For years I have been practicing Kundalini Yoga and the practice, both the meditations and the physical practice have helped me so much in shifting from reacting to processing things internally or acting in a way that is appropriate for the circumstances. Yesterday, I experienced something that made me realize a weak point that I never knew I had.
Let me set the stage. When you first come into our house, the room is open with higher ceilings than anywhere alse in the house. We have radiant heat so the lack of carpets make it an echo chamber for sound. I was just finishing yesterday’s post and my husband and I were sitting talking. We are currently watching two of my daughters elderly dogs. I have two dogs; a beagle and a malamute. We live just at the edge of town and there are lots of deer that roam around. One of the dogs noticed that there was a deer in the yard and started barking. Soon all of the dogs, except the malamute were barking and the malamute was up on the coach, talking, expresssing a desire to get outside.
I won’t deny that there was a cacophony of sound echoing around the room. My husband is very sensitive to my beagle’s bark. It irritates him to no end. He had his feet in our little foot massager so he asked me to let the dogs outside. I told him I didn’t want to because there was a deer outside. Later I found out that because of the noise he didn’t hear me say that there was a deer outside. He was just overwhelmed by the barking. I wasn’t. We are wired differently that way. Any way, he insisted I put the dogs out and I did so grudgingly.
A moment later, I heard a weird sound and looked out the window. All of the dogs were barking at the fence and the deer, which instead of running away, tried to jump into the nieghbors yard, had her leg stuck in the fence. I rushed out to try to get the dogs away from the fence. In a split second, the 100 lb. malamute plowed through the fence, creating an opening for the rest of the dogs to get through and they were piled on the deer.
It was so weird, because time seemed to slow down and I calculated the time it would take to get out of the fence, the fact that I didn’t have shoes on and with the snow and ice it was slippery. Though my observer mind calculated all of this in a moment, my nervous system and body shut down. I couldn’t move. And out of my mouth came a combination of wale and scream. I just stood their and screamed. My husband came rushing out of the house, later I found out he only had time to put one shoe on. He rushed through the gate and tackled the Malamute. That just made me scream louder. I made my way into the house screaming because I felt me knees buckle. I continued screaming and started crying and had to sit down.
All of the while, my internal witness was observing. I heard, “shock and adrenilin.” I made myself stand up in spite of shaking legs and made my way out of the house again. The deer was gone, Steve was on the ground holding on to the malamute and one of my daughter’s dogs and the beagle were no where to be seen, but I could hear the beagle. I have a nervous system pattern where I move from shock to anger pretty quickly and immediatley started yelling at my husband, “I am never doing what you tell me to do again!” Now I am embarrased by my behaviour and can laugh at my riducoulus response but he didn’t think it was funny.
On one hand I was relieved the deer wasn’t stuck any more and I didn’t feel a lot of concern for the dogs having run off. I was mad at my self and projected my anger on to him. I also had shame about not acting. I was ashamed that all I could do was stand there and scream. So for a while we fought back and forth about who was to blame until I realized how futile and unproductive it was.
I then gathered up the gumption to go look for the dog. The one good thing about having a Beagle, is that when they get stuck in their scent brain, they bark the whole time they are following the scent. I guess it is an instinctive thing to signal to the other beagles that they are on a scent.
Just as I was getting into the vehicle to go look for them, my oldest grand dog came limping back. So now I just had to track down the beagle. I knew it was fruitless to do it on foot. So I set out to find him. Before I gave up, I had the UPS driver engaged and he was going cross country on foot, trying to catch up to the beagle and one of my neighbors was walking her grandchild in a stroller and she had her ears and eyes peeled for him. Thank you Barb and MR. UPS driver!
I drove around looking for him and then came home because I couldn’t hear him anymore. I did what people around here do. I posted on facebook and then called the police to let them know my dog was on the loose. Once I had done what I could, I started reflecting on what happened. I was still surprised by the experience because I had had plenty of experiences where I was able to act; like car wrecks, witnessing dogs and deer be hit by cars, and saving my cat from being killed by dogs. (that intervention resulted in a broken wrist and both cat and dog bites). There was something about this experience that surprised me and at the same time evoked shame that I didn’t do anything to save the deer. The only conclusioin I could come to is that I felt a sense of powerlessness and even post traumatic stress left over from when the dogs tried to kill my cat.
I think I have digested it to the best of my ability. I thought about taking a martial arts class or doing Tai Chi but I decided to go to the tradition I know the best which is Kundalini Yoga. I remembered there is a Kriya( a series of postures combined with breath and mantra) specifically to strengthen your nervous system to act, not react. And when I looked at it I understood that it is a kriya that discharges stress from the nervous system and strengthens it and a meditation designed to help one to connect the Generating, Organizing and Destroying principles of the universe. I did it first thing this morning and I feel a shift already and an understanding that what happened yesterday was an opportunity for me to see where my nervous system was still weak and where my ego was still holding me back.
My willingness to blame my husband for what happened rather than understanding I don’t have to do what he tells me to do also is a big shift in my perception. It was also an opportunity to confront the part of me that froze, have compassion for it, but build resiliency so it doesn’t happen again. I really don’t want to experience another test like this, but I am grateful that all is well. I got a call 3 hours later from someone miles away. They had wrangled RipLee after he disturbed the peace in their neighborhood barking for a half an hour. I also had to laugh because I got this message from a friend responding to my post on facebook:
“OMG! I heard him barking and he ran by my house. It sounded like a distress call, so I went for a drive around the block to see if I could find him (or a hurt human)...I didn't know it was RipLee, but the bark made me think of him!! So glad he's home. I find comfort knowing that this may be the safest dog town in the country.”
Here is the kriya if you want to “Build Yourself to Act, Not React:
https://kundalini.yoga/kriyas/building-yourself-to-act--not-react